Kelly attempts Crack Pie. Delirium ensues.

Now, if you’re at all present on Twitter or Pinterest (or, you know .. the world) you’re quite aware of this “CRACK PIE” insanity.

If not, however — here is a little background:

Crack Pie is Christina Tosi‘s addictive and slightly heartbreaking (when it’s gone) recipe, made famous at Momofuku Milk Bar in NYC. It is their version of chess pie, with an oatmeal cookie crust. These pies go for a mere $44 each, or you can bring the Milk Bar to your home by buying Christina’s book and making it yourself for a bit cheaper. (Or troll the internet for the recipe .. which will then entice you to buy the book. Guillllltttyyy.)

So basically this recipe has been haunting my life (and mind) for quite some time now. Seeing as my best bitch  husband  ginger is coming this weekend, I decided to use his presence as an excuse to attempt the monstrosity. (Also I spoil him rotten. Please, someone get me onto GWLBWLB.)

So here we are. I’m writing this post as I stand in my kitchen with a table full of ingredients. There’s tears, but I’m too ashamed to show you. Now, making this oat cookie crust was far less terrifying than I imagined. Here’s what you need (for the full recipe, visit ScarlettaBakes.com):

unsalted butter
light brown sugar *against my will (dark, baby)
granulated sugar
one egg
all-purpose flour
old-fashioned rolled oats
baking powder
baking soda
kosher salt

Now if you’re like me, a person who loves making homemade cookies but hates the mixing process — have no fear. This dough is far less thick than any other cookie dough I’ve encountered. Instead it’s light and fluffy. But be warned — IT IS EXTREMELY DELICIOUS.

Seriously. Don’t eat it. Because if you do, you probably won’t have any dough left over to make your damn cookie/cookie crust/pie. So, with a strong will and an urge to move on, I stopped myself (applause cue). PUT THAT BABY IN THE OVEN.

 (I think one of the worst parts is waiting for this cookie to cool. Like, really. It’s been 15 minutes and I’m dying. Ooops … looks like someone got into the cookie. I mean .. just a little taste. No big deal, right? Right .. kind of.)

Now while it’s almost cool, guess we’ll start preparing all the filling essentials. Here’s the mix to the madness:

unsalted butter
granulated sugar
light brown sugar
kosher salt
corn powder
milk powder
heavy cream
vanilla extract
eight egg yolks (yes. eight. yolks.)

So many fattening ingredients, how could you really go wrong with that?

……….. AND THEN THE MADNESS STARTS.

First, I make the crust. All well and good. Add your light brown sugar, butter and salt to the destroyed oatmeal cookie crumbles and make them into two crusts. Awesome. They looked fab. Mix the filling, looks nice and thick and savory. Fill said crusts and try not to spill the filling into your mouth on the counter, as not to WASTE any.

Now they go in the oven. 350. 15 minutes. Seeming fine, no big deal. Now it’s time to “let the temperature drop to 325” … well. If you’re like me — live in an apartment with the shittiest best stove known to man, said task should be SUPER easy, correct? Wrong. So wrong. First of all, because my oven is a complete joke, the digital reader is all screwy and won’t show the CURRENT temperature but only the temperature that I WANT it to be. And only sometimes does it *beep* when said temperature is reached. Did that nice little *ohheyI’mreadytomakeyourpiedreamscometrue* chime go off? Of course not. That would only be the nice thing to do. Instead, it decided to ruin my life and unevenly bake my pies at onlygodknowswhat temperature. Sweet!

Basically at one point I just gave up and decided to call it quits on one of the pies because I wasn’t sure how much JIGGLE was appropriate. Meagan at ScarlettaBakes describes, “the pies should still be jiggly in the bull’s eye centers, but not in the outer center circle. If the pies are still too jiggly, leave them in the oven an additional 5 minutes.” But ScarlettaBakes Meagan, how will I know how much jiggle is enough when my pies have already been in the oven an additional 10-15 minutes and they’re still jiggly but a nice golden brown? With fear of burning this beautiful pie, I took out the first “done” pie, moved the slightly less underdone pie to the top rack and let that bake for a few more minutes. Basically, while I took note of the JIGGLES, I still paid attention mainly to the crust. Thank god they didn’t burn and only turned a nice golden brown — just the way mama likes it.

So despite my mini heart attack, they seemed to turn out fine. Now time to cool these babies, shove them in the freezer and get some sleep!

Zzz .. Zzz .. Zzz .. dreamsofpie .. Zzz .. dreamsofputtingfaceinpie .. Zzz .. isittimeforpieyet?

THE MOMENT OF TRUTH:

HALLELUJAH.

I can now say that I fully and completely understand the CRACK PIE OBSESSION. Why? Because I am now a crack pie addict. But be warned — if you make two pies, you’re going to cry. Why? Because you won’t be able to stop eating one, let alone TWO.

One word of advice: don’t hold back on the powdered sugar. Makes. It. Worth. It.

Momofuku, I love you.